Your Horoscope This Week, by Fist-O-Futures

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

A balcony, canapés and cocktails circulating, the moon coy behind the distant clouds, and cool figures drifting amongst each another. But shouldn’t someone shut that “music” up? Take a risk. You’re Aries, after all.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Like Shakespeare you’re reliable, also with a sentimental attachment toward certain people, like Hitler had toward his Aryans. So what? you’ll ask at least once this week, predicts Fist-O-Futures. So what? (Maybe twice.)

Gemini (May 21 to June 21)

Impress your friends today with your unique wit and wide-ranging knowledge. You’ll want pleasant eulogies on Friday, after Tuesday surprises you with a freak accident involving a piano falling from a party.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22)

Nasty Master Mars this week will fire thick, fat, hard and 14-inch-long fists of rock and flame into Uranus. But it could be worse: think of Gemini, think of the dinosaurs, think of cancer.

Leo (July 23 to August 22)

Look: How supremely striking, the stars streaming through space! Alas a lost spanner, dropped by a spaceman’s weak fist, has just floated into a corner of your chart. Suddenly you picture boobies. Vast, blobby boobies.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22)

One in twelve of your friends will die on Tuesday, approx. What an opportunity to buy a brand new black hat! Or a new black suit, black shoes. And perhaps some novelty cufflinks (not of musical notes though.)

Libra (September 23 to October 22)

Despite your pleasant manner and decent mind, just like my Libran mother in fact, you will not remotely comprehend the imaginary lesbians that flow around a shuffling fist this Thursday.

Scorpio (October 23 to Nobarnum 21)

Amongst the usual stuff Fist-O-Futures forecasts for Scorpio this week – shopping, shitting, sleeping, and a certain quota of funerals – I see a secret that will be kept secret. Wow!

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)

This week is not a good week to try out a new musical instrument. Especially when you’re somewhat drunk, at a party, a floor or two above the street, and there’s a piano over by the window.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

I – Fist-O-Futures, Seer of Secrets, Finder of Fates, Surfer of Stars, Master of Motions, Scanner of Skies, Zeus of the Zodiac – and, incidentally, a Capricorn too – am convinced this week that, at long last, all Capricorn genitals will, once again, finally, be licked into loveliness by lesbians. Possibly on Thursday.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

One of you regular websites will load so slowly on Tuesday. What could be worse! But on Wednesday, you’ll see something there that you really like. Isn’t life grand!

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

What will your 1,073,394,145 fists have in common, even the 178,899,024 fists in absolute poverty, this week, O fishy Pisceans? The widow of the late King Nairatsif of Suomynona, and the bank account she emails about.